STILL Embracing the Scars…Before and After…

I posted this a while back but I think it’s important to re share the importance of its meaning stays with me always!!
“Jan 2015”
I think over all, this has been one of the most…. No sorry has been the most difficult posts to write… I have tried for 4 days now to write this but I just couldn’t seem to get the words out… Writers block not at all… I just have been really thinking a lot about this post….My journey is so important to me and sharing it has really brought me great joy… And even closure…. Funny all I ever wanted was to help others and in turn I helped myself!!!!
How does one define a scar….. You may be asking what in the hell is she talking about!!! Well please allow me to explain….
A scar can be physical… The fall off your bike at 8 years old, the cut from a hard days work, a mothers stretch marks that shows she proudly carried her child….. Scars are story tellers in their own right… They are visibly on your body some hidden by clothing others for the world to see….
But just as a scar can be visible it can be emotional….. And I feel I like many people carry emotional scaring and do not even realize it… I was one if those people (PLEASE note I said was…. Well being honest I am Sure I will carry more if I don’t already) …..
Anyway over the last several months the word scar has been mentioned a lot to me… I mean when you choose to have plastic surgery the word scar runs hand in hand with it. But it’s the rewinding of time and backing in to the story that gets me where I am today…..And I’ll make it quick, after all this is a refresher….
Yes I was s heavy child, adolescent, teen and adult….. Heard lots people say lots of mean and Nasty stuff… Had some nasty things done to me….however I kept going… Right around 28 -30 was told the weight would kill me!!! I made choices to fix it all… Lost weight and then gained after having my son… Around his 4th birthday I decided enough is enough and took action which brings me to where I am….. Phew 40 years in… Less than 10 sentences!!!
But you see in those few sentences carry a TON of emotional BS (scars if you will)…… But those “scars” make me ME!! And the person I am today… Strong, independent, loving, caring & quite F*cking fabulous if I might say so!!! You see I choose to take those scars and use them for good!!!
Ok ok, so let’s talk my physical scars…. I mean yes I had my bumps and bruises from being a kid..and teen….but also…. I had 20 laparoscopic holes from 3 abdomen surgeries and one scar from a c-section..not to mention the stretch march from skin being stretched to the limits at 403 pounds…… One might say I should be sick of scars…. Well I signed up for more….
Signed up???!!! Yes signed up… Funny I think after my surgery approval I had 2 of the most meaningful conversations about scars…….
One was short and sweet my friend and I talked quickly at a party about the surgery and he being a man of few words says “are you sure” I said yep… “But Bec the scars are you ready for that” I said yep…. He smiles at me and says your sure and I put my arm on his shoulder and said yep he smiles and that was that..
The second was much longer but it was like I knew someone else truly understood…. and she totally got the whole explanation above about scars…, and how we deal with them and how I would work to deal with both the emotional and physical “scaring” that was to come…. funny thing was the guy of few words was the same reason the lengthy conversation happened… When you have good people who genuinely care about you good things come of it….. And I am lucky so so lucky to have these 2 people in my life!!!!
So yeah I have quite a few physical scars now but they are not an eye sore to me. They are my reminder of this battle I have been fighting… They are the reminder that I dedicated myself and committed myself to a better more healthy me!!! And I will continue the hard work, and dedication it takes to lead this healthy life.. I know that sounds so positive but in reality It took me a while to get there… I would be completely lying if I said “I was not scared of the Surgery scars” ummmm!!!! Hello I am human!!!!  
I guess over the past 5 1/2 weeks I have learned a lot more that I ever thought I would… you see…. I have taken many many photos and god love everyone they would comment on how great I looked and how hard I must work… But underneath it all, I am falling apart… you see I did work hard and I was determined to keep my Ass in gear…. but you see every night as I got undressed and saw the skin and sagging, it was a quite reminder of how bad it once was and well that tortured me… and it really held me back at times…. I know by the look of it everything I looked fine but that was all because of Spanks and multiple tank tops and lord knows I am a suck it in master…. getting ready was like an Olympic sport…… but on 12/11/14 the day before surgery I took real deal photos with only undies on… I said to myself if those women can get on the Biggest looser in front of 3 zillion viewers then I need to to this. At that time it really was just for me. I wanted before and after photos.
But then it happened… after 5 1/2 weeks I put the photos side by side and I was completely blown away!!! I really had no idea the difference it made…. Ok I mean I get it but the visual really just floored me and well…. then the real healing just happened… When I saw the photos I first showed them to Clyde and he was like wow… then I showed them to a couple friends that I knew would give me their 100% honest opinions…. and the question I asked them was you thoughts on sharing them on the blog….. Each and everyone of them said yes.. But in the middle of many of these texting conversations the realization came to me and I texted the following to 2 of my buddies
it’s ok I am not afraid if they are seen… This is Part of my healing…. that’s who I am and was I was proud of the loss, just sick of the rashes and health issues but I am proud of both photos……
Just like that it was like WELCOME!!! you finally made another step!!! As much as it bothered me and as much I focused on all the extra skin it really was a necessary evil to get me where I am today…. my journey would not be my journey without it.
So yes I have decided to share them with you too… The photos are to show what it was like under it all and show what it like after Massive weight loss and what anyone who has lost deal with……. I do ask this…. if you would like to be rude or demeaning that you take you comments else where this in not a page for negative BS…. I decided a year ago to share it all Good and Bad… The weight loss process is not an easy one and many people are not as lucky as me to have the skin removed!…. People deal with the self loathing (scars) everyday and I am one to say no matter if you have the skin or have it removed. You are beautiful inside and out…EMBRACE THE SCARS they make you who you are!!!.. This Journey is not an easy one but every day it still amazes me how much I have changed, how the people around me have changed and how far I have come…. but always remembering how much more I can learn and develop.
And even after all the plastic surgery I am not perfect I never wanted to be I just wanted to be healthier with out all the infections and rashes…. so if you may have been thinking she still puffy or the scars are not straight yep this is the real deal of it all…. surgery is not a fix its a tool I still have work to be done…… Oh yeah that is where G comes back in he can’t wait for the Docs clear to get rolling again…..
The journey continues and the photos below are ALL PART OF THE PROCESS
I have to also give the biggest shout out to my plastic surgeon!!! Jeffery Gusenoff….. The man is amazing!!! A true artist my physical scars are minimal all because he does great work and his team Barb, Doc Nic, Autumn, Maurice I can not say enough good things about these people!!! I am lucky to have great friends and family but just as lucky to have a stellar team of Doctors and staff who have made this part of the journey phenomenal!!! Thank u thank u thank u!!!

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